Saturday, 1 January 2011

The ConDems; A New Year Digest, A Christmas Sketch.

Wow..its 0531 and I have officially beaten the sunrise! Before you all break into spontaneous applause and leap from your seats, I prey you remain sat for a while longer.

Its the 2nd day of 2011 and I have been thinking about how different things are from this time last year.

Sure, there are many examples of change, and of how we as a nation are currently wallowing in the delightful waters of change, suckling contentedly at the engorged nipple of progress, or whichever way you want to put it, but before I plunge headlong into a ski jump of sarcasm and caustic review, the greatest example of change is laid just a few feet away from me, and doesn't have a care in the world..

My beautiful boy Harry has quite literally taken the sum total of my life, put them in a washing machine, and hit the spin button...and I love it!

I could never have guessed this time last year that I would actually feel joy at the inception of broken sleep, exhaustion and constant worry.

Then again, I would never have guessed that Man City would be second in the Premier League, or that a Lib Dem would be Deputy PM. (The abbreviation for this job is DPM, or Dodgy Puppet/Marionette, for your future information)

Yep, alot has definitely gone down in 2010. There are markedly differing challenges for us all in the coming year. Confusion is the only sovereign that reigns with any true authority, as people and events confound our preconceptions.

I'm glad to say that I am not the only one who is working hard to come to terms with the strangeness that 2011 will herald, in a crazy new twelvemonth..look at what has happened, at least in my own questionable version of reality during the christmas season..

The price of food, petrol and houses are rising almost in line with bankers bonuses, and the government has reacted to claims that it is anti union by embarking on a large scale issue of coal stained scarves and caps for workers to doff whenever a boss passes near.

The Prime Minister has reassured the masses that he too feels the fiscal pain of government policy by using instructing his staff to carry his shopping back from John Lewis in Tesco carrier bags, and the chancellor has demonstrated his commitment to austerity by settling for a 5 star ski holiday in a wet snow resort instead of powder, and agreeing to use egyptian pharoh papirus, and the CV's of working class public sector workers to wipe his arse instead of £50 notes.

Bless those crazy tories and their socialist ideals!

Meanwhile, DPM Nick Clegg has managed to sidestep a potentially embarrassing banana skin..

The Lib Dem leader was due to address an annual meeting of retired steel workers and coal miners in Sheffield which he was expected to say that he was heavily in favour of coal mining, steel working, the wearing of white socks with suits, and the export of massed brass bands. In a strange twist however, he broke down in front of the audience, sobbing in a corner as his strings draped around him limply, shrieking that he despised his adopted family, and blamed them for everything in his career that had gone wrong. In response, Margaret Thatcher's spokesman refused to comment.

The following day, he was scheduled to attend a family reunion with his foster brother (call me) Dave, during which he was supposedly going to regail the packed hall with tales of how he blamed the ills of our great (one) nation upon those wet nosed, limp wristed lefties who wasted their lives with contemptible activities such as; coal mining, steel working, and engaging in the performance of brass band music.

A comment about how ridiculous white socks look with a suit was met with confused expressions from the faithful. One befuddled attendee was heard to comment that Clegg must be getting his wires crossed (strings tangled) as any self respecting conservative would simply have his valet's visa cancelled should such a faux pas be committed.

The DPM's new family though were very welcoming of the prodigal son despite his mixed introduction, throwing their arms around him and ushering him to the bar where they kept him stocked up with real ale (Black Sheep, allegedly) whilst he led a rousing sing song of anti student ditties, before dedicating a table thumping rendition of 'Loser' by Beck to his former compatriots in the Liberal Democrats.

The DPM has of course, had a rough time of it of late though, and it would seem he has learned his lesson. He has disclosed to aides that his main election strategy for 2015 is to launch a campaign where he gets all of his MPs to join him in signing a pledge not to imprison kittens and to condemn the actions, and uniforms of Adolf Hitler.

Meanwhile, reports that the 'Crazy Cat Bin Woman' and Prince Harry have each sent off Lib Dem application forms remain unconfirmed..

The coalition however, are pressing ahead at breakneck speed with various policies which will, they believe, change Britain, and redefine party politics.

In the latest show of cross party co-operation and coalition unity, Liberal Democrat members across the UK are signing up to join local fox hunts, now believing that the activity was only cruel previously because Gordon Brown has one eye and looks like he's made out of baked blu-tack, and Labour invented paper cuts.

Simon Hughes MP, the Deputy Lib Dem leader who was until recently against fox hunting before an unfortunate accident involving increased publicity and a ravenous ego, has been appointed by the coalition to work alongside foxes to try and convince them that hunting is actually in their best interests..

Elsewhere over the seasonal period, the Health Secretary Andrew Landsley MP narrowly avoided coming a cropper in a frightening medical emergency that managed to not only terrify those present, but also to demonstrate the wonders of intergrated government.

Mr Landsley had been basking in the afterglow of the union's appreciation, following him offsetting job losses in the NHS by employing some health workers to feed him grapes, fan his tepid brow, and lick his toga clean. Mr Landsley was exhausted coming into the holiday season, having launched his NHS reforms, introducing market style privatisation to the health service on the back of the, quite obvious, success of private railways..

At the same time, the Schools Secretary Michael 'Child Catcher' Gove MP has embarked on an innovative new scheme to prevent truanting. He has commissioned thousands of life sized replicas of himself and has positioned them at bus shelters, railway platforms and sweet shops up and down the UK in an attempt to frighten schoolchildren back into school, or at least into the Conservative Party. A mini gove product is also being considered which would sit atop the fireplace and reduce the amount of toddlers burning themselves by straying too near to living room fires..

In the meantime, the health Secretary's soft focussed coccon of self satisfaction and relentless rehearsals for looking chastened in reaction to commoners losing their jobs was cruelly shattered when he allegedly choked on some fois gras and baby meerkat pate and needed emergency medical attention.

Upon calling 999, Mr Landsley's valet was placed in a queue, and eventually connected to a call centre in Delhi, where a tender was issued for health care companies to bid for the contract to attend Landsley Hall and assist the Health Secretary.

Whilst the drama unfolded, the Local Community Secretary, and renowned saviour of community take aways and restaurants, Eric Pickles MP has instructed local councils that they must deliver more for less, and not only push up council tax bills.

In response, local authorites have entered into wodespread debate and brain storming as to how they can achieve this. An early fore runner in some areas is to put out traffic cones and set up contra flows and diversions, but not actually carry out any roadworks. This is something that has been trialled with huge success on the M1, and other major roads..

Back at Landsley Hall, Mr Landsley's staff were frantically trying to engage in a positive manner with interior and exterior partners and customers, by utilising the progressive, free, and efficient health service that the Health Secretary is so busily creating(sic).

Upon enquiring as to how long it would take for an ambulance to arrive, Mr Landsley's valet was informed that such data was commercially sensitive, and that a written statement would be made in the next parliamentary session.

After due diligence and scrutiny, a health care provider was awarded the contract to attend Landsley Hall, but was immediately referred to the competition commission following the same company being awarded a similar contract only hours earlier when a street cleaner was rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack after receiving a revised pension estimate.

In the meantime Mr Landsley was feeling quite proud at how blue he was managing to turn, and decided to occupy himself by opening the evening postal delivery.

Disaster was avoided however with Mr Landsley was on the verge of hypoxia. Whilst hurtling headlong towards oblivion, the Health Secretary opened his council tax bill, the shock of which caused him to disloge and cough up his fois gras and baby meerkat pate, which he immediately shared out among his staff as a christmas bonus.

In other news, the Transport Secretary Phillip Hammond MP, and the Culture Secretary, Jeremy Hunt MP have joined together in announcing an exciting new opportunity for commuters.

In reaction to the recent rises in the cost of season tickets, the two ministers have decided to work together by making it so that anyone buying a lottery ticket will win the following prizes; 3 numbers gets you a job selling teas and coffes from the on board trolley service of peak time trains, 4 numbers gets you a seat next to a blocked toilet in the carriage end of your morining service, 5 numbers gets you a 'walk on' priced return ticket and the jackpot gets you a season is worth noting however that only players with 5 or 6 numbers AND the bonus ball will be eligible for a seat at peak times..

Back at the home of the health Secretary, the news broke of his timely recovery, and the contract for the health care provider to visit Mr Landsley was cancelled.

The company was subsequently paid £500,000 in recompense for the price of half of the diesel used whilst sitting in non existent roadworks.

I used to think that politics was a dogmatic and pointless exercise, dominated by also rans and bafoons who traded on the success of their parents or the accidental circumstance of their birth.

I hope that you can see why I may have changed my mind, taking into account the events whoch may or may not have happened over the holidays..

I send my best wishes and new year hopes to you and your families..may your god keep you safe, and may the new year bring to you all that you desire..

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